she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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