I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
