I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
