We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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