You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
