The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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