This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
