Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
