70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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