i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
