Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
