my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
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You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor