Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up