i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We need to rekindle our bromance
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
