I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
