i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
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I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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