I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
