I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
