i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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