onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
