we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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