I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
