insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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