I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
