Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
