Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
