hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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