So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
