what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
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It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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