Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
