Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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