You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
