We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
