Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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