i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
