it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
