forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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