does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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