Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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