I got chris browned last night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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