I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
