you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
