my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
