Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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