I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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