tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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