She's JV to your varsity
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
