Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
