marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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