Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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