the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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