Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
