what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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