my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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