Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
