We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
