why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
