What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
