Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
