Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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